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Family and Friends – Supporting Survivors of Sexual Abuse
Ø Do not
Most women who have experienced sexual violence choose to tell someone close to them, who they feel safe enough to disclose about abuse which they have experienced, they believe that you are trust-worthy, will believe them and will not tell others without speaking to them about it first. As a 'safe' person to tell, you are a woman's most important source of support.
Introduction
Whether you are helping someone cope with the immediate trauma of a recent experience or someone coming to terms with sexual abuse suffered as a child, you are very important to them. It is important, therefore, that you see yourself as important here and take care of yourself and your own needs. The woman is not going to get over the trauma quickly, so you need to pace yourself in terms of how much time and energy you can realistically offer the woman whom you are supporting. Consistency over a long period is more important than sitting up all night for a week and setting up expectations that you will always be able to 'be there' for her.
Also remember that No two people are the same and reactions to rape and sexual abuse are as varied as they are to bereavement. It is likely, however, that whatever her experience, at some point she feared for her life and that she will feel numb after the attack, 'cut off', in shock or even hysterical; she may appear perfectly calm and unaffected; she may fear that she is 'going mad'; these are all normal ways for a woman to process what has happened to her. Other effects may be flashbacks or panic attacks. Her behaviour may change: her eating habits may alter, she may feel the need to wash repeatedly. She may vomit or have other physical symptoms. All of these problems are alleviated by being able to talk about them; repetition of the trauma is common - TRY TO BE PATIENT.
"Did you know ... rape crisis has thirty years of experience of listening to women"
How you can Help
Many people are afraid of saying or doing 'the wrong thing', or of 'damaging' someone further because they 'do not know enough' about sexual violence. It is important to remember that you do not have to be an expert, you are not dealing with a 'strange disease'. If you are prepared to listen, the woman concerned will be able to guide you in what she needs.
A woman whose story has not been believed by others may find it very difficult to trust anyone else and may resist talking about their experiences. Do not take this as your not being 'good enough' to trust, be patient and encourage her GENTLY, do not push her. If you feel the need to press her, ask yourself why YOU 'need to know' now. Her apparently frozen state will not last forever.
Let the survivor stay in control: Sexual abuse and rape can make a woman feel powerless and out of control. Survivors need to feel they can be in charge of their lives again. Therefore, it is important that you resist the very natural temptation to take over by arranging and doing things that you think are best. Instead let her/him talk and help and support them in their decisions.
Don't break the trust they have put in you: If someone you know has told you that they were abused it is because they trust you and they sense that you care for them. Telling you is their demonstration of a level of trust in you, your willingness and developing ability to support them will be your contribution
Ø Listen - To what she has to say and let her take her time. It might not be easy for her to start talking about an event that she has kept silent about for a long time. It may be difficult because she may have been told not to tell by the abuser at the time.
Ø Believe - People rarely lie about rape or sexual abuse. Why would they? It is important to believe what they are saying.
Ø Respect - Both her feelings and decisions. If she feels like crying, let her, it can be part of her healing process.
Ø Remember - It is not her fault - no-one asks to be abused or deserves it and she cannot be blamed for not preventing the abuse. The blame lies with abuser.
Ø Recognise - The courage it takes for a survivor to speak must be recognised and praised. It takes a great deal of courage to face up to fears and also to talk about any sexual experience.
Don't judge: It is important to be accepting of the way they are reacting, even if this is not what you were expecting. It is best to get rid of any ideas you may have of how a person who has been raped should behave, and to accept their reactions as normal.
Give your partner space: this means allowing your partner time to sort out emotions and reactions to memories without pressure. Your partner may be facing several months of disturbance - sometimes withdrawing from you; at other times needing extra comfort. Your own needs may have to take second place - the sacrifice will be worth it. If the abuser is still alive and you know where they live, you may feel like confronting them (some husbands want to beat up the abuser). Before you do anything check with your partner that it is what they want you to do. To do otherwise is to put your partner in a powerless position and they’ve been there before. It may be a situation that is too frightening and confusing for them. If you are left with unvented anger, bash a pillow instead of the abuser, this is supportive action. Respecting your partner’s wishes creates trust, a commodity that has been damaged by the abuse.
Do Not
Don't tell them to forget about it. Don't say, “it happened a long time ago, why does it suddenly bother you now?” Healing can take time and some people block or try to forget traumatic events. This is a way of coping with what has happened. Remembering can be triggered by events such as the birth of a baby, a T.V. programme, marriage, changing job, starting a new relationship etc....
Don't ask them why they didn’t fight back. People can freeze when confronted with a terrifying situation.
Don't ask why they didn’t say anything sooner. If it happened when they where young they may have tried to tell but been ignored or disbelieved. They may have been threatened or been too frightened to say anything. Most people do try to tell someone at some time.
Don't tell them what to do. They need to be in control of their own decisions about matters that affect them. You can help them to explore options that are available to them.
Don't pressure them into doing, or talking about things they are not ready to face. When they are ready they will speak.
Women are often afraid of how other people will react to what has happened to them, they may fear not being believed, embarrassment, having their experiences minimised or trivialised, even fear rejection. Women often fear well-meaning, but ignorant questions such as: "Why didn't you tell me before now?" "Why didn't you scream?" "Why didn't you tell someone?" "Why don't you report it to the police?" "Why did you (encourage him / wear that skirt / walk that route / etc.)?" If you do not understand why a woman is behaving in a particular way, or is reacting the way she is now, remember that this is YOUR problem, NOT HERS. Do not badger her with questions or ask her questions, which you are not sure, whether she will want to answer; read a book instead.
The woman may have her own questions about what has happened to her and may want to explore these with you. It is very important that she makes up her own mind and finds her own truth about what has happened to her and makes her own decisions from it. Sexual abuse and violence leaves women with feelings of powerlessness and loss of control about their lives. It is important that people do not take over, without consulting with the woman about what she needs in the situation. Confronting the perpetrator, phoning the police, or making a medical appointment 'on her behalf' may make matters worse, you can best help by listening to her and asking her or checking out what she wants; do not tell her what YOU believe she OUGHT to do; explore her options with her.
"Did you know ... everything rape crisis does is guided by the women using the service"
What about Sexual Contact?
If it is your partner that has just been attacked or has remembered some past abuse, which she has blocked out, she may find sexual and intimate contact difficult. Be sensitive to their sexual and intimacy difficulties. It is important to realise that it is not something to do with you - it is to do with the feelings and memories she has. Reassure her and let her take things at her own pace. : If your partner has been raped or sexually abused they may not want to sleep with you or even have you physically close. Respect their wishes and tell them you will assume sex is off the agenda until they say otherwise. Childhood abuse can blur the line between sex and affection and this can affect friendships as much as sexual relationships. With your help, patience and understanding, she can heal from the trauma.
However, if you do not understand your partners needs and reactions as regards their body and you are confused or angry over it it might be good to talk to someone.
"Did you know ... it is okay to take the time to go at your own pace"
If the attack was in the past
Do not blame her for not talking about the assault before. The time for revealing abuse needs to be right for her. Memories can be blocked and return later.
Listen and support her.
The effects of sexual assault last a long time. The effects include anger, guilt, and depression.
The long-term effects of child sexual abuse are extremely damaging. In adult life it can lead to depression, substance misuse, loss of self-esteem and an inability to trust people.
"Did you know ... a very large number of women phone rape crisis about events in the past - that's fine too"
Most importantly
Seeing someone you care about dealing with a traumatic experience can be distressing in itself. It is very important for you to make sure that you are looking after yourself. Recovering from abuse can take a long time and your friend/ partner/ sister/ daughter may not get over this quickly so you will need to pace yourself because it may take your friend quite a long time to recover. Be clear and honest about what support you can offer her and what you feel you are able to hear. You may feel a range of feelings about what has happened: angry, guilty, upset, nervous, overwhelmed, helpless, confused, shocked; you might find it hard to believe what she told you is true. If this is the case, it is important that you get support for yourself, you may need to talk to somebody about what you are feeling. Without such support, it can be really hard for you to be there for her. Try asking a trusted friend or family member or contact your local centre.
Remember Rape Crisis Centres are there not only for the survivor but also for those who are supporting survivors. They can also offer specialist help/support for those suffering from sexual abuse.
(With Thanks to Rape Crisis Network Ireland and Manchester Rape Crisis)